i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
