Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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