I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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