If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize