he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
