that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
