Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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