and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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