Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
