My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I supernannyed him into submission
I wear drunk well.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
