I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
