So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
