I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
