the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
