I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
