My liver just broke up with me...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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