ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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