Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
