also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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