Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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