so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
