I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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