I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
