Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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