i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
