**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
