You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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