Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
