i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
