i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
