What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
