8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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