May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize