She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
