Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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