guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
