Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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