If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Girls should come with a carfax report
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Blood and glitter go together right?
Are we still banned from the library?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
