If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
