is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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