I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
