I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
