I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
