I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Someone came in the potted fern
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize