I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
