her vagine was all disorganized.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
