My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
