note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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