In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
