New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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