if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
