You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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