There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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