dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
so much tequila, so little girl.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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