dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
