i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
