Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
