i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
