two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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