its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
