I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
