someone get that fucking seahorse.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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