the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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