moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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