not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
