my phone needs a breathalizer
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
