Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
