Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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