I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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